Most people eat to survive. Not me. No, I eat because I love it.

Take this weekend, I’ve eaten what I wanted, when I’ve wanted. I’ve eaten my way through a Chinese takeaway, homemade burgers, scrambled eggs, two bars of Cadbury Caramel, two litres of coke, four bags of crisps, two ice lollies and two share bags of sweets to name but just some of what I’ve consumed.

Some would say I probably have an eating disorder based on my ability to eat everything I can get my hands on (I can out eat any bloke at an all you can eat buffet) or simply an addiction to sugar. I say bollocks. I simply like to eat. In fact, I’d go as far as saying I love eating.

By the very laws of nature, I should probably weigh in at around 18 stone, but I don’t. F*ck knows how I don’t. I should be airlifted to the loo everytime I need it, but thankfully I’m not.

Full fat everything is how I roll, apart from milk in my tea. Somehow Wayne and my work Mother of 12 years, Caroline, persuaded me semi was the way forward. My arteries must be buggered and so with this in mind, and the very fact I don’t care to leave Harry motherless, I’ve decided I’m no longer going to eat as though it were a sport and because I love it, but to survive.

After losing my mum and going through natural childbirth (I had to undertake counselling to persuade me that going under the knife wasn’t the preferred option), I honestly think this is going to be the third biggest challenge I’ve ever faced.

I’m going to use Harry and the motivation of not having fat arms and a hamster face on my wedding day as inspiration to get me through this.

Day one starts tomorrow. Once I’ve finished my full fat coke and line of chocolate caramel.

Don’t confuse this change of eating pattern with dieting. I’m not doing this to lose weight (I don’t want fat arms, but since losing my baby weight, I’ve lost my boobs and if I lose anymore from there I’ll be booking myself a boob job), I’m doing it to save me from myself before I turn into Donny’s fattest; I’m not ready for that level of fame. Just yet.