So the UK summer has finally decided to put an appearance in, let me run and hide I say.
I say an appearance, because that’s all it’ll be. We’ll have several glorious days, where it’ll no doubt be scorching and then it’ll be back to what I call ‘non – days’ – where it’s neither hot nor cold, nor will it be sunny but clouds will certainly be overcast as we launch back into mid – summer.
In the midst of all this, the UK population, as we do every year when this very short phenomenon occurs, will quite literally lose our minds. And our inhibitions.
Garments will be cast aside in favour of shoestring clothing that is neither age nor body appropriate, revealing pasty milky covered bodies that frankly, could do with a couple of months in the gym before revealing any inch of their body.
Then of course there’s the sweaty, hairy bodies. As if half-naked, out of shape bodies aren’t enough to feast your eyes on, every sense is then tested. Why, why do women not shave their armpits? It’s gross, simple as. Then there’s the peeps (men and women) who don’t bother to apply antiperspirants or even bother to shower. What the fuck is with these people? I mean, can they not smell themselves cos I sure as hell can.
For 10 years I commuted to work on the heavenly British Rail network and I’d dread summertime. I mean, I hated it at the best of times, but summertime was like being banished to hell.
You’d have the sweaty betty’s, the ones who’d not bothered to shower for 54 days, the one girl who whose office wear was way too revealing and you’d be desperately trying not to see what she for lunch. There’d be the chunky ones shovelling themselves into dresses three times too small for them, the ones whose feet smelt so horrific that you’d swear you were sat next to a lump of Stilton and there’d be me.
Far from perfect I know, but at least I shower, reapply my antiperspirants throughout the day, ensure my feet don’t pong by wearing cheap open toe shoes and I don’t shove my milk bottle body into inappropriate clothing for my age or body (that’s far from perfect let me assure you before you think I’m hanging from my ivory tower).
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against Summer, it’s just that I genuinely think here in the UK, because we’re so deprived of sunlight and heat at the best of times, when we are treated to some, we lose our minds and our inhibitions.
No longer tolerant (not sure I ever was really), I find myself rolling my eyes, wanting to hide away until the madness has passed and wishing the world took my outlook on not insulting the worlds’ eyesight and scarring our sensitive minds.
You won’t catch me stripping off and showing my milk like, un toned body off, no sir – I wouldn’t inflict that on you in public (don’t come straying into my garden as that may be another story). Nor will I be donning my cut off denim shorts with my arse hanging out because I’m a grown woman with a young child and unfortunately I no longer have the body I once had at 18.
Oh the world would be such a better place with more of my mind-set being liberally applied. In my opinion anyway and on that note, I’m off to run as UK Prime Minister now and the first thing I’ll be addressing is half-naked messes in the summertime.